Education

Two Failed Adoption Matches Built the Faith to Find Their Son

Dec 23, 2025
By, Donna Pope

Jennifer and Alexander desperately wanted children. After infertility treatments revealed less than 5% chance of success with IVF and prohibitive costs, they turned to adoption. Alexander had been adopted himself, so the decision felt natural. They didn't even pray about whether to adopt. It was simply yes.

The path to their son Xandon involved two devastating failed matches, 1,700 miles of frantic travel, and learning to trust that heartbreak can be part of preparation. According to AdoptUSKids data, there are over 100,000 children in U.S. foster care waiting for adoptive families, yet many prospective parents face multiple failed matches before finding their child.

In this episode of Eternal Family Adoptions with host Donna Pope, Jennifer and Alexander share how each disappointment built the faith they needed to recognize the baby who was always meant to be theirs.

When Foster Care Wasn't the Answer

Before finding Heart to Heart Adoptions, Jennifer and Alexander explored foster care through New Mexico's system. Friends in their ward were foster parents, and it seemed like a viable path. But the experience presented unexpected challenges. They felt scrutinized heavily for their religious beliefs. Caseworkers asked them repeatedly, in at least ten different ways, how they would handle a child who didn't share their faith. Jennifer and Alexander explained they would take children to whatever religious ceremonies they needed, but they worried children wouldn't feel comfortable in a home where scripture reading, prayer, and church attendance were daily practices.

The questioning felt excessive for families seeking to foster infants ages zero to five. Research from the Barna Group shows that 5% of practicing Christians have adopted, which is more than twice the national average, yet faith-based families often report feeling judged during the adoption process. The experience left a bitter taste, but it taught them what kind of support they needed. When they attended General Conference and met the Heart to Heart team in person, everything felt different. They came home knowing they were on the right path.

Five Missed Calls

One week after returning from General Conference, Alexander's parents were over for dinner when Jennifer noticed Alexander had a strange look on his face. He'd received five missed calls from Donna. When they called back via FaceTime, there was a video of a baby boy on the screen. They talked briefly with the birth mother, and the next day they flew to Salt Lake City. The birth mother, whom we'll call Irene, was in a very difficult circumstance. She had never known a good man in her life. The meeting went well, and Jennifer and Alexander felt everything was falling into place like a puzzle. The connection seemed too perfect, too ideal.

But they didn't get to bring the baby home. On the plane ride back, Jennifer was devastated. Through her tears, she told Alexander that maybe what Irene needed was to see that good men exist in the world. Maybe seeing Alexander would help her make different life decisions. According to the National Council for Adoption, approximately 1-2% of women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy choose adoption. The decision to place a child is never made lightly, and birth mothers often change their minds as they process the enormity of the choice.

The Hardest Decision

The disappointment was crushing, but they kept moving forward. They finished their profile and paperwork, and Darla from Heart to Heart began sending them birth mother profiles to consider. Reviewing birth mother profiles and deciding yes or no within short windows became one of the hardest parts of the process. Jennifer describes praying desperately for immediate answers, sometimes receiving clear nos, other times receiving no answer at all and wondering if silence meant no.

Eventually, they matched with a birth mother expecting a baby girl who would be delivered by cesarean in three weeks. They began preparing for a daughter. Jennifer had a work trip scheduled to Tennessee. The baby was due on Tuesday. On Thursday, Jennifer was landing in Denver when her phone exploded with texts from Alexander. The birth mother had gone into early labor. Jennifer rerouted her flight. Alexander flew out of Albuquerque. They met in Indianapolis and drove together to Dayton, Ohio. Jennifer traveled 1,700 miles across multiple flights and connections, not knowing if they would bring home a baby.

Thirty Minutes at the Hospital

When they walked into the hospital Friday morning, the social worker immediately told them the birth mother had changed her mind. She didn't want to place the baby. Jennifer and Alexander had brought gifts and their family book to leave with her. Alexander felt strongly prompted to make sure she saw their book, their story. He handed it to the caseworker through tears, asking her to take it upstairs.

For thirty minutes, they waited. Alexander describes it as feeling like eternity, the longest wait of his life. When the caseworker returned, she said the birth mother had changed her mind again after seeing the book. She wanted to place. Hope surged. Then crashed again when she changed her mind once more. They left the hospital devastated. They drove to the Carmel Indiana Temple, where beautiful marble surrounds the grounds. As they walked the premises, they felt instant peace. Not the absence of pain, but peace coexisting with the ache of leaving without another baby. They knelt on a marble bench and prayed.

The Call That Changed Everything

Driving back to their hotel to pack up, they received a call. Not about Ohio, but about Irene. The first birth mother from months earlier had called wanting to place her baby. Was the couple still interested? Jennifer and Alexander looked at each other. They had never stopped thinking about Irene or her baby. They'd kept them in their prayers constantly. The answer was yes. But Jennifer had learned caution. She asked if the team could fly to New Orleans first, sign paperwork, and then have them come.

After two failed matches, she needed more security before getting on another plane. Jody and Haley from Heart to Heart flew to New Orleans on Sunday, spent the day with Irene, and signed paperwork. Then they called Jennifer and Alexander, who got on a plane at three o'clock in the morning. The two months between the first meeting and this moment had taught all of them something. Jennifer and Alexander gained deeper empathy for Irene's situation. They understood the sacrifice she was making while facing tremendous challenges. They learned what the love of a mother really means.

Understanding the Sacrifice

In New Orleans, Irene walked Jennifer and Alexander around the places that mattered to her. She showed them where she lived on the streets. They spent time with her three-year-old son, a stout, tall, muscular little boy who gave them clues about what Xandon might look like. Alexander remembers putting his arms around Irene and giving her an enormous hug when they saw her the second time. He didn't know her well, but he knew her choice was absolutely right.

The feeling they'd had the first time, that everything seemed too perfect, made sense now. That's what created so much pain going home without the baby initially. Research from the Donaldson Adoption Institute indicates that birth mothers who choose adoption report the decision as one of love rather than abandonment, though the grief process can be complex and lifelong. Two months later, Heavenly Father answered why it felt wrong. Because Xandon was always meant to be theirs.

Keeping Their Word

Today, Jennifer and Alexander post weekly updates on Hearts Connect, the platform that allows adoptive families to share photos and videos with birth parents. Jennifer initially felt guilty about it, worried that seeing pictures every week would trigger grief and bring more pain to Irene. But she remembers that Irene's biggest concern was trust. Irene had never known trustworthy people in her life, and she didn't trust that Jennifer and Alexander would keep their word about staying in contact.

According to American Adoptions research, 95% of adoption professionals believe that open adoption is beneficial for all parties involved when managed appropriately. The key is honoring commitments made during the placement process.

Key benefits of maintaining open adoption communication include:

Birth mothers can see their child thriving and feel reassured about their decision
Adoptive parents gain deeper understanding of their child's biological heritage
Adopted children develop healthier identity formation with access to both families
Trust is built and maintained across the adoption triad
All parties experience reduced anxiety about the unknown

Jennifer and Alexander post every week without fail. They mark important birthdays Irene requested on their calendar. They document Xandon's growth, his personality, his 99th percentile height, and 19-inch head. They do this whether or not Irene responds, whether or not she's looking. When she's ready to check, they want her to see they kept their word. They want her to know they're people of integrity who do what they say.

What Two Heartbreaks Taught Them

Looking back, Jennifer and Alexander can see what they couldn't see during the pain. Each failed match taught them something essential. The first taught them about sacrifice and prepared their hearts to understand what Irene would face. The second taught them to trust the process even when everything falls apart. Donna Pope told them early on that she could become their greatest friend or their worst enemy, and she had very little control over which it would be. The disappointments would likely outnumber the joys. But if they kept moving forward with faith, it would work out.

She also said something surprising when they asked what happens if a match fails. Not because she wanted them to experience pain, but because working with birth parents means working with people going through anguish and loss. If adoptive parents can feel even a fraction of that pain, they gain empathy that helps them understand the sacrifice being made. Alexander now has an adoptee perspective as both adopted child and adoptive father. Raising Xandon has given him respect for what his own birth mother went through and what Irene went through. He can't imagine placing Xandon with anyone. Understanding that choice has changed how he sees adoption entirely.

That Was Always Meant To Be

Xandon just turned one year old. He's in the 99th percentile for height with a 19-inch head and square feet. He's going to be huge like his biological brother, and his parents are ready to just keep feeding him. When Xandon notices his mother in distress during the interview, he stares at her and reaches out, trying to comfort her. At one year old, he already has his father's open personality and his birth mother's strong build.

Two failed matches brought Jennifer and Alexander to their knees. Two trips ending in empty arms taught them faith they didn't know they needed. And when Irene was finally ready, they recognized the baby who was always meant to be theirs. Sometimes the path to your child requires heartbreak first. Sometimes failed matches aren't failures at all. They're preparation for recognizing the adoption that was always meant to be.

Ready to hear their full story? Listen to this episode of Eternal Family Adoptions and discover how heartbreak can be preparation for the adoption that was always meant to be. For adoption support and resources, visit Heart To Heart Adoptions or call their 24/7 support line at (801) 563-1000.

#FailedAdoptionMatch #AdoptionHeartbreak #AdoptiveParents #FaithInAdoption #AdoptionJourney #BirthMotherTrust #OpenAdoption #AdoptionFaith #EternalFamilyAdoptions #HeartsConnect #KeepingFaith #AdoptionMiracle

Follow or Subscribe to Eternal Family Adoptions on your favorite platform: