Education

When Adoption Ripples Through Generations: One Family's Multi-Generational Story

Nov 20, 2025
By, Donna Pope

Erin Thomas never questioned whether her mother loved her. Yet throughout her childhood, she found herself scanning faces at school, wondering if any of her classmates might be her biological cousins. When her family traveled, she'd calculate whether they were moving closer to or farther from people she'd never met but somehow felt connected to. Even when she started dating, she'd ask potential boyfriends if there was any adoption in their family, just in case. Erin wasn't adopted herself. Her mother was.

As the daughter of an adoptee, Erin experienced a longing for genetic mirroring that she didn't fully understand until much later in life. Her mother, one of five adopted children, felt completely settled in her adoption and never expressed interest in searching for her biological family. Yet Erin carried questions her mother never asked, demonstrating that adoption's impact doesn't stop with the adoptee but ripples through generations in unexpected ways.

In this episode of Eternal Family Adoptions with host Donna Pope, Erin shares her unique vantage point on adoption from three generations: her mother who was adopted in 1955, her sister who placed a baby for adoption at age 20, and her own DNA search that revealed the biological family her mother never sought.

Growing Up With Unanswered Questions

Erin's mother was born in 1955 and placed for adoption as an infant. She became the oldest of five children her parents would adopt over the years. Unlike many adoptees who express curiosity about their origins, Erin's mother felt deeply settled in her adoption. She told Erin that she believed her birth mother had made a difficult decision out of love, and she wanted to respect that decision by not searching.

Yet Erin, who looked like her mother, carried questions her mother never seemed to have. At school, she'd look around wondering if the girl sitting two rows over might be her biological aunt or cousin. She'd study faces looking for features that might match her own, seeking what adoptees often describe as "genetic mirroring."

Utah has historically had the nation's highest child adoption rate, largely due to the influence of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, according to the National Committee for Adoption. In a state where adoption is common and celebrated, many families like Erin's navigate the unique dynamics of having adoption as part of their family story across multiple generations.

President Gordon B. Hinckley taught about the sacredness of children, saying "How wonderful a thing is a child. There is no greater miracle than the creation of human life." This reverence for children extends to adopted children, who are valued equally in LDS families. Yet even in communities that embrace adoption, questions about biological connections can linger across generations in ways families don't always anticipate.

When Her Sister Chose Adoption

At age 21, while Erin was finishing her associate's degree and preparing to serve a Church mission, her 20-year-old sister found herself pregnant and chose adoption. Erin became deeply involved in the process, attending appointments with the social worker and meetings with the prospective adoptive family.

What surprised Erin was the transformation she witnessed in her sister during the pregnancy. Her sister had been living a lifestyle that wasn't making her happy, but when she started considering adoption, joy seemed to take over. When she saw the profile of the family who would ultimately adopt her son, she felt settled about it. She felt he belonged with them.

This doesn't mean placement was easy. After the baby was born, sending away that newborn infant was difficult for her sister and hard for the whole family. There has been ongoing grief and loss for her sister, far more than for the rest of the family, because it was her choice, her grief, and her loss. But Erin also witnessed something she hadn't expected: the decision brought her sister peace alongside the pain.

The adoption was supposed to be closed, but a last name was accidentally revealed during a face-to-face meeting. A few years later, when Facebook launched, the families found each other. The adoptive mother later told Erin that everything she posted on Facebook during her son's childhood was specifically so that Erin's family could watch him grow up.

Respecting Boundaries and Timing

After Erin's mother passed away, the adoptive mother began reaching out to Erin with questions about developmental milestones and health issues as her son entered his teenage years. Erin's sister had made herself unavailable, believing her gift to her son was allowing him to be fully connected to his adoptive family without interference. She wanted him to make the first move if and when he was ready.

When Erin's nephew prepared to serve a mission, Erin's brother felt strongly that they needed to connect before he left. The family reached out to the adoptive mother asking if they could attend the missionary farewell. The adoptive family consulted together and decided it wasn't the right time. They felt the farewell was a time for goodbyes to the life he'd known, not for new connections.

Looking back, Erin now understands what she couldn't see then. At the time, she felt urgency about connecting. But several years later, she can see how for a young person at that point in life, it might not have been the right time.

According to the Church's Adoption Reunification guide, concern for adoptive parents' feelings often prevents biological family members from reaching out, even when both sides might benefit from connection. The guide acknowledges that timing matters and that what feels urgent to one person may not align with another person's readiness.

DNA Reveals Hidden Family

When Erin's mother passed away from cancer in 2011 at only 50 years old, Erin found herself with urgent questions. She needed to know what health issues might be coming down the line for herself and her own children. She also wanted to know the story behind her mother's placement.

In 2016, Erin's husband gave her an Ancestry DNA test for her birthday. She was immediately matched with a woman identified as a likely first cousin. For four years, they exchanged messages every few months. Then, in 2020, completely out of the blue, Erin received a lengthy message: "I have found out how we're connected."

The cousin, who served as her family's historian, had interviewed an elderly aunt whose health was declining. During the interview, this aunt disclosed that as a young woman, she had placed a baby for adoption. The timing matched. It was Erin's mother. The aunt, Erin's biological grandmother, wasn't ready to reconnect, but she gave permission for the cousin to share all the information.

They arranged to meet at RootsTech in Salt Lake City in February 2020, just before COVID shut everything down. When Erin's cousin walked down the hall, Erin immediately noticed something. The woman's hair was the exact same color and texture as Erin's mother's hair. And her eyes were the exact same color as Erin's mother's eyes.

Erin had never seen those eyes in anyone except her sister and her mother. After years of looking, the genetic mirroring finally happened.

Navigating Family Search Technology

They sat together for three hours. The cousin had brought pictures, family trees, and stories of Erin's biological great-grandparents. Then the cousin asked if Erin would like to have her mother's biological family connected on Family Search, the genealogy platform used by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The cousin knew exactly how to configure the settings so that Erin's mother's preferred parents remained her adoptive parents while also adding her birth mother's line. Now, when Erin goes to her mother's page on Family Search, she can select parents and see both her adoptive grandparents and her mother's birth mother listed. She can click on the birth mother and see an entire line of ancestors she's biologically connected to.

Sometimes, when Erin goes to find temple names to take, the Family Search app will pull names from that biological line, and she feels they're family enough to do their temple work. This represents a unique solution to a question many LDS adoptive families struggle with: how do we honor both the adoptive family sealed in the temple and the biological family connected through genetics? The technology allows both lines to exist simultaneously.

President Gordon B. Hinckley addressed adoption in the context of eternal families, teaching: "When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness," as shared in the Ensign article "Why Adoption?" The sealing ordinance connects adoptive families eternally, yet the biological connection remains part of the story that can be acknowledged without diminishing the sealed relationship.

Understanding Adoption's Complexity

When asked whether adoption is trauma, Erin's answer reflects the complexity of her multi-generational experience. She thinks it sometimes is and sometimes isn't. She believes some of that comes from the feelings and emotions surrounding the adoption from the birth family and the adoptee, and some has to do with how the adoptee is nurtured or the circumstances of the birth family after placement.

Erin thinks adoption is probably all trauma initially, but the promptness with which that trauma heals or comes to a place of healing varies widely. Her mother never seemed to experience trauma over being adopted. But her sister still carries ongoing grief over the placement she made nearly two decades ago. Her nephew, now married and thriving, may or may not carry adoption trauma that he hasn't expressed to his biological family.

What Erin has learned is that you can't predict how adoption will affect someone or how that effect will show up across generations. The complexity doesn't make adoption wrong. It just makes it complex.

A Story of Courage and Sacrifice

If Erin could speak to her biological grandmother, the woman who placed her mother for adoption in 1955, she would thank her for her courage and for being willing to let her mother live. In 1955, this woman moved away from her family and friends to go through the pregnancy and placement in private because such things weren't discussed openly.

"Thank you for your courage, thank you for your sacrifice," Erin would say. "And I hope that you got the healing in your life that you needed."

To her sister, Erin would express how proud she is of the difficult decision she made as a young adult. She would also tell her that it's okay to reach out to the adoptive mother because she's waiting. The adoptive mother would love to hear from her.

To her nephew, now a married man in his 20s, Erin would want him to know he was loved from the start. They brought him home from the hospital and kept him for three days before placement, pouring as much love into him as they could. She'd want him to know how proud she is of the young man he's become and that they're open to as much or as little communication as he's interested in.

Erin Thomas's story reveals something adoption professionals and families are increasingly recognizing: adoption doesn't just affect the adoptee, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. It ripples through entire family systems, sometimes for generations. Understanding these ripple effects helps families navigate their own adoption stories with greater compassion for everyone involved.

Ready to hear Erin's full story? Listen to this episode of Eternal Family Adoptions and discover how adoption affects families across multiple generations. For adoption support and resources, visit Heart To Heart Adoptions or call their 24/7 support line at (801) 563-1000.

Follow or Subscribe to Eternal Family Adoptions on your favorite platform: